Here at The Daily Campus, we receive a plethora of free stufffrom record labels eager for some good reviews.
Sometimes it’s little more than a sampler of agroup’s latest efforts, sometimes it’s a full album.For the longest time, this mountain of music has remained untouchedfor fear of what lies beneath its shrink-wrapped surface of badcover art and exclamation mark-laden cover letters.
After all, if a record label has resorted to sending fullalbums to a college newspaper, they must be desperate.
But no longer – I have taken it upon myself to diveheadfirst into this stagnant pool of mediocrity and bring to thesurface the very worst that music has to offer.
You may not agree, you may think I’m too harsh, butthat’s the nature of this business.
This is Bad Press.
The Nice Guys’ Guide™ to GettingGirls
By The Nice Guys’ Institute™
“Young and single?” Yes, that’s me.
“Seeking romance?” Sure, why not?
“Looking for love?” Yeah, I … wait,didn’t I just answer that?
“Serious relationship?” That isn’t even acomplete sentence.
“You CAN be a Nice Guy and STILL Attract Women!”Well, paint me purple and call me Grimace! My prayers have beenanswered.
The Nice Guys’ Guide™ to Getting Girlsis part of a series of books dedicated to helping us “niceguys” find true love, or at least someone to have sex with.It’s a cold fact of nature that nice guys don’t get thegirl. It’s always the rich, famous, and/or good-looking jerkswho steal away the hearts of every eligible female in the room. Butthank goodness for The Nice Guys’ Institute™ and itsbook.
Within these pages, maybe I will finally discover the secret toattracting the women who had previously snubbed me because I was aclueless nice guy.
The book begins innocently enough, with detailed explanations onthe best places to meet women (bars, airports, gyms, cruises,bathroom lines, etc). I guess we could call this Step 1 in the NiceGuy™ process. So far, our unofficial Nice Guys’Checklist looks like:
Step 1: Find woman.
Okay, looking good. That’s easy enough to accomplish. Thenext few chapters deal with actually talking to women and how tokeep the conversation interesting and lively. This makes sense, Isuppose. If you want to start something with a woman, you talk toher, right? And all this time I’ve been gesturing andgrunting at women. What a waste of time that turned out to be!
Engaging in conversation seems like a logical Step 2 in ourchecklist, making our updated list look like this:
Step 1: Find woman.
Step 2: Talk to woman.
This isn’t so bad. Heck, even I could manage that.Let’s see… next chapter… “The NiceGuys’ Guide™ to Performing Oral Sex.” Well, ofcourse! What better way to follow up conversation than to have oralsex? Better update the checklist:
Step 1: Find woman.
Step 2: Talk to woman.
Step 3: Oral sex.
That’s right, all you lonely men out there. In just threeeasy steps, you too can be engaging in wanton oral debauchery withthe woman of your dreams. Just find her, talk to her for a while,then bam, oral sex. It’s as simple as that.
Oh, and if you don’t perform oral sex on your lady friend,you are a terrible, terrible person who doesn’t deservelove.
While this book does contain a few helpful tips on how to meetwomen, most of it is just common sense. Be friendly, beinteresting, don’t talk about yourself too much, be aware ofwhat a woman wants in a relationship, etc.
The book does nothing to address the cause of a nice guy’sineptitude with women, which is invariably low self-confidence.Just because he’s armed with a guidebook on how to meet womenin bars, it won’t actually help him meet women in bars. Thefact that the book leaps suddenly from conversation to oral sexdoesn’t help matters either.
I can just imagine some nervous, jumpy guy strolling awkwardlyinto a bar with this book jammed in his back pocket. As he surveysthe bar layout, he whips the book out and thumbs through the”How to Meet Women in Bars” chapter, making sure thathe’s in the “perfect environment” to meetgirls.
As he slides up to the bar, he catches a glimpse of a beautifulAphrodite at the other end of the bar. Their eyes meet and shesmiles. With a lump in his throat, our Don Juan Jr. tries to lookcasual as he walks down and sits down next to her.
He pulls out the guidebook again and accidentally flips open tothe chapter on “How to Meet Women in Airports.” Hedelivers his opening line:
“So … where are you headed?”
Then they have oral sex.
The end.
