The Independent Voice of Southern Methodist University Since 1915

The Daily Campus

The Daily Campus

The Independent Voice of Southern Methodist University Since 1915

The Daily Campus

The Independent Voice of Southern Methodist University Since 1915

The Daily Campus

SMUs Tyreek Smith dunks as the Mustangs run up the scoreboard against Memphis in Moody Coliseum.
SMU finds new head coach for men’s basketball
Brian Richardson, Contributor • March 28, 2024
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Here today, gone to hell

Somebody had to say it
 Here today, gone to hell
Here today, gone to hell

Here today, gone to hell

Most of “this ever changing world which we live in” (Axel Rose)wants to make my life a living hell. And it, in no uncertain terms,is currently ahead by an amazing margin.

Take, for example, the current situation in Europe, where I amplanning to visit this summer. After Mr. Bushy and General Franks(which sounds like a very dirty movie) attacked a subsequentlyflattened Iraq, Europe hates us Americans almost as much as we hatethe fetid French.

I cannot wait to amble through Paris asking for directions tothe nearest Metro station. I took three years of French in highschool and also spent a summer there, so I have a decent grasp ofthe language. However, growing up in southern California and livingin Texas for four years hasn’t done wonders for my accent.

“Escusay m-whaa, Miss You’re” I will stammer, “Ewww ay le metro,see voo play?”

Then, I imagine, some frog will curse and spit at me, adding”non?” at awkward times in such a way that will make me think he orshe is asking me a question. I will then capitalize on the cusswords that the nine-year-old boy in my French “family” taught meand search for the metro myself.

And even if the French treat me with the respect that aninternational traveler and insightful raconteur, such as myself,deserves, the Germans will likely harass me.

It will be a crying shame because I am a large percentageGerman. However, when they inform me of their disagreement with ourforeign policy, I will quickly remind them of their country’shistory of the early 20th century before telling them that Germanbeer sucks (a little white lie).

Even in England most of them probably hate us because we are inlarge percentages better looking, more tan and better satisfiedwith our own cuisine than they.

Despite the fact that most Italians ride around on scooters,shouting “Caio, bella” most of the time, they don’t much like useither.

Though I could give the old international hate for Americanshorse a few more cracks of the wit, I’ll move on.

How can anyone deal with something that is concurrently severeand acute at le meme chose? The commy higher-ups over there inChina blew that one like a red-hot chop-stick load of orangechicken. You may rest assured that I will bring along a surgicalmask to visits to eastern Europe, which is a travesty because thosethings don’t flatter my mug in the slightest.

The Chinese and Japanese, I have noticed, frequent many of thesame establishments that I do. Who’s to say the disease isn’talready hovering over my airline seat? Sadly, I am flying AmericanAirlines so I won’t be able to sue if I contract the disease, as itmight bankrupt them and make my frequent flyer miles null andvoid.

(I have a quick theory I would like to interject. It is mycontention that the French government, whose army in the lastcentury killed roughly the same number of people as SARS (about170), developed the disease in a laboratory. When Rumsfeld dreams,if such a phenomenon is possible, he dreams about launching atechnical strike on the Renault and Pierria factories.)

What’s worse, when I return from the old world, the economy willprobably still be in the non-proverbial crapper. According to a LosAngeles Times commentary, which featured a survey held at 12:45a.m. in a bar, a staggering 33 percent of the country isunemployed.

Unless Beijing wants their next mayor to stand six foot two andhave curly hair, I won’t be getting a job worthy of my skills.Apparently, possessing the ability to quote old heavy-metal songsisn’t such a sought-after job skill.

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