Ah, spring. For Ed Board, or at least the female members of Ed Board, that can only mean one thing: shopping! Just as we like to do a little spring cleaning this time of year, we also put in our fair share of spring shopping. We used to just show up at any given mall and get the job done, but lately, we’ve noticed this is no easy task. Shopping centers are no longer a safe haven comprised of our favorite stores, but now a war zone where we constantly find ourselves dodging the enemy.

The first battle is, inevitably, with our most prominent nemesis: The Perfume Lady. You can find her on the first floor of any given department store, waiting to attack. Despite attempts to avoid her relentless maneuvers, The Perfume Lady usually prevails, dousing us with that overpowering fragrance that we’ll never decide we suddenly love and buy at the spur of the moment.

If we can dodge The Perfume Lady – or at least make it out of there only slightly smelling like a mix of apricots and licorice – then we’re forced to encounter our second foe: The Sales Clerk. The Sales Clerk’s been around the block a few times, and he knows all the dirty little tricks. He may choose to ignore you when you walk in the door – maybe you look like they type who’s not buyin’. Or, he may decide to stalk you, watching your every move, asking you what you need, pulling things from the rack for you, and bringing shirts that go with those fabulous pants you’re trying on.

If you do decide to make a purchase, beware, because The Sales Clerk is two steps ahead of you. Instead of simply handing over your credit card or cash, you’ll practically have to give a blood sample in order to take home a flimsy tank-top. Without your phone number, zip-code, e-mail address and extensive family history, you won’t be leaving the store with anything new. No matter the approach, The Sales Clerk’s tactics bring consistent results. They make you never want to venture into the shopping world again.

Mall employees aren’t the only ones partaking in this battle. There are regular Joes out there, mixing in with the common crowd, waiting to strike at the opportune moment. There’s Mother With Screaming Kid and I-Don’t-Know-How-to-Park Lady. Or there’s The Slow-Walkers, who don’t understand that if we could just get around them, we might get out of the mall in under seven hours.

So, be careful out there. Next time you decide to venture out to your favorite mall, keep in mind that it’s not the same safe, or pleasant, place you once thought it was.