The spring 2013 semester is coming down to its finale with much rejoicing from my fellow students. The one thing that stands between a fantastic summer break and one that will make us cry for months on end, however, is the great wall of finals and exams in early May.
How can we all get through these tough times ahead unscathed and without tears? It’s simple, of course: just follow the guidelines of ol’ Matt and you’ll pass every test with the greatest of ease.
Starting right now, you’ll probably notice on your handy class schedule you got at the beginning of the year (you still have that, right?) that almost every class has a normal test right before issuing the final exam.
This is what is known in the educational world as a “throw-away” and should be taken with the utmost lack of care. Think of how you’d treat a VHS rental from Blockbuster or a friend’s pet turtle. The test is a complete waste of time, used by your professors to see whether or not you’ll simply show up the last week of school.
In fact, if your teacher dares to ask where you were the day of the exam, simply yell at them in the middle of class, “Do you know who I am?” They will immediately gain respect for you and might even give you bonus credit for initiative.
After dealing with that, prepare yourself for almost a week of no class before you are asked to return to school for an hour on an obscure Monday to take the final.
In this free time you’re granted, do everything you can to completely erase all lessons you’ve learned throughout these last four months of school. Go to the movies every night, start a minimum of six jumbo-sized posters and most importantly, buy a one-way ticket to any area of the country at least 500 miles away from Dallas without any real ability to make it back home on time.
These simple and effective methods will clear your mind from all outside forces, including studying, which has been proven to possibly cause students to fail exams they were “pretty sure” they’d pass.
Once you’ve fought your way back to school, via hitchhiking or some type of method seen in the film “Taken,” prepare to wake up somewhere between 10 and 15 minutes before class starts to prevent unnecessary showering or last-minute cramming.
Scientifically speaking, no one has ever proven being “clean” or “well-prepared” ever actually improved a student’s chances of passing and this is of course no time to break from tradition.
During the final itself, quickly develop some sort of method to communicate with your fellow test-takers. Not that I’d ever endorse cheating, but professors are so tricky nowadays with their A-B-C-D formats that there’s almost no reason not to help one another out.
After not double-checking your work (ain’t nobody got time for that), get up and rest easy knowing you’ve done everything you need to have a pleasant and successful end of the semester.
The writer of this opinion column does not endorse anything written above for anyone taking any class ever. Put in the work and finish strong.
Costa is a junior majoring in journalism.