Writer

Chris Tolles

33 posts

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My final bidding

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My final bidding Here it is, my doting public. This very piece of work you’re now reading is the last installment of what has become a cross-cultural, grass-roots fixture in the lives of many Mustangs. It was with bright eyes and a bushy tail that I strolled i... More »

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Here today, gone to hell

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Here today, gone to hell Most of “this ever changing world which we live in” (Axel Rose)wants to make my life a living hell. And it, in no uncertain terms,is currently ahead by an amazing margin. Take, for example, the current situation in Europe, where I ampl... More »

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I bid a sweet good morrow

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I bid a sweet good morrow Oh, fate! Oh vile, cruel and abominable fate! Wherefore hast thou stolen my college years away? Canst I be an undergraduate forever? I’m graduating, my duteous disciples, after four long years of procrastination, revelry and debaucher... More »

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My GPA got run over by a reindeer

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My GPA got run over by a reindeer As I enter into this, my final month as a college student, the bleak breath of reality chills my spine. The ongoing threats of terrorism and war don’t help. I am left dreaming of a Utopian paradise in which I’d be allowed to l... More »

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Money well spent

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Money well spent In his finite wisdom and shoot-from-the-hip bravado, the commander-in-chief of the world’s most high-tech, powerful and expensive army has requested a cool $75 billion of our tax dollars to go accost Saddam Hussein . . . I mean, to get a mess ... More »

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A modest proposal

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A modest proposal A few centuries ago, one of my favorite writers, Jonathan Swift, penned a mock essay entitled “A Modest Proposal,” in which he suggested an excellent way to solve the rapidly increasing population problem. It was to begin eating babies. It is... More »

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So long, it’s been good to know ya’

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So long, it’s been good to know ya’ I’m quite certain that we will all die very, very soon. The odd thing is, I am not trying to pitch my cult or sell duct tape with that statement. From my honest, objective point of view, I can say without any hesitation that... More »

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Holy (expletive) – it’s orange

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Holy (expletive) – it’s orange The nice people at the FBI Counter-Terrorism Division have a fancy, color-coded system for informing us little people on the likelihood that we will be imbibing smallpox-laced drinking water, or something equally terrible, becaus... More »

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Made for each other

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Made for each other You know what makes for compelling reality television? I’ll be happy to tell you, kids – soft core pornography. Yep, you read me right. Maybe a foot fetish film here, perhaps a bondage flick there. Am I a sick person, you ask? Nope, just a ... More »

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American idol, British jerk

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American idol, British jerk Nonsense fills our lives, my pups. And if there’s one thing on our planet that screams non sequitur, it’s Fox’s “American Idol.” If the Fox network were a professional, it’d be a personal injury lawyer. Or maybe a porn star, though ... More »

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Why not football, George?

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Why not football, George? If there’s one thing any casual observer of politics – very much like yours truly – really enjoys seeing, it’s hypocrisy. Before I begin this column, I’d like to ask the doting public to please refrain from sending me email about this... More »

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My victory lap

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My victory lap This column resembles Muhammad Ali’s return to the ring to fight Joe Frazier in 1971. I’m back, kiddies, for one last coup de grace – a victory lap, if you would. I extend my right index finger, raise my arm above my head, high five President Tu... More »