Ask Nell

Q: Dear Nell,

My boyfriend of three years and I broke up a little while ago. Now that I’m single, I’m really confused: What are the rules on dating? Since I’ve been out of the whole scene for so long I have no idea what is what anymore.

– Confused

A: Dear Confused,

I don’t think you’re the only one who doesn’t get the whole dating thing. I’m still trying to figure it out. I’ve done my research on this and have found that 99 percent of relationships fall into one of four categories. Below I have listed each and what constitutes a relationship in that category.

The “One Night Stand”

Level of commitment: 0

The one night stand is notorious for its powerful cause/effect relationship. Causes of the one night stand include alcohol, loneliness, boredom, winning/losing a bet, or simply a need for excitement. Effects include parenthood, awkward looks as you pass each other, and many forms of uncomfortable and unsightly illnesses I can’t pronounce. This is the only kind of relationship between two people that comes with very strict rules. No. 1: Most one night stands are spontaneous: Too much planning means too much effort. No. 2: Do not even think about calling the person or sending them a “Thanks for Last Night” card. No. 3: Most importantly, do not attach feelings to physical activities. Because girls are by nature more emotional than guys, it is particularly important for girls to remember that a one night stand is all about one night. No “I love you”s “Call me”s or “Pretty Woman” fantasy endings. Two people. One night. A million different possible endings.

“Talking,” “Hanging Out” or “Hooking up”

Level of commitment: 1-3

The lines are most blurred with this one. There are no rules, no understood taboos, and thus, a lot more questions and confusion. You are in this phase if you have feelings for someone else, but they have not yet been solidified into a “relationship.” This involves talking a lot, spending time together and the notorious “booty call” that ties many people through the weekend.

“Casual Dating”

Level of commitment: 3-5

In my opinion, a casual date is all about two people who are attracted to each other and do things with the intention of spending time together. This could be anything from a movie to go- cart racing to jello shots (though if you are meeting with the intent of competing over jello shots, refer back to the “One Night Stand”). The difference between this and “hooking up” is that both members of the party understand that there is something more between them and could possibly turn into category No. 4. These relationships are not necessarily monogamous, unless so stated by the involved party, so don’t assume anything. A word of warning: Make sure that the other person is ready to be casually dating before you confess falling in like with them. Trust me, overestimating a situation like this can make you feel like a major ass clown.

Serious “Formal” Dating

Level of commitment: 6-plus

You like each other enough to be monogamous and have certainly forgotten about “One Night” thrills. This is the clearest, easiest stage to define. If you two are together, with no one else in sight, you will call each other “pookie bear” and “snookems.” Make sure that both of you want the same thing and are comfortable being a couple. Broken hearts are a common effect of this stage, so beware. Engagement? Marriage? Ask me when I’m 35. I still may not be able to answer the question, but I’ll have plenty of friends to talk to about it who have already taken the plunge.