Guy Talk

I put the cap on the pen. I recycled the paper. I turned off thecomputer. I threw away the floppy disk. I was done — that is,until now. I’m grateful to see somebody finally picked up thetorch off the ground, good thing, wouldn’t want the end-zoneto light on fire again. Only one problem, now I have something tosay.

Mr. Mayo you left me no choice. My feelings are a tad bit hurt.The silence has lasted long enough.

I was recently informed that my name was mentioned in an articlein The Daily Campus. I found a way to get a copy of theschool toilet liner and was amazed to see my name. I was instantlyoverwhelmed with the recognition. It didn’t take long for my”glory-days” bubble to burst into flames faster thanthe Hindenburg.

Was it actually my name?

It looked like my name, it sounded like my name, it smelled likemy name (a cross between cabbage and chocolate syrup with a hint ofmoth balls) but gosh darn-it, sure wasn’t spelled like myname.

Look young gun, I’m old. I have wrinkles on parts of mybody where just a few years ago I was excited to see hair growing.I can legally buy alcohol, which makes me old. I remember the daysof Fraggle Rock, Nintendo and Debbie Gibson (Electric Youth ladiesand gentleman).

But like MJ, Vanilla Ice and Hulk Hogan, when I first left thegame the time was right. That doesn’t mean I don’t havea little bit left. I’m like a candle on the bedroomwindowsill at five in the morning – something is stillburning.

I was shocked to read of the ghastly mistake in your article andfeel it is my duty as a former ‘Stang to help the youth oftomorrow (what if I really talked like that).

Mr. Mayo I now offer you my self-proclaimed expertise in aneffort to eliminate costly mistakes. To be fair, I was willing totake the reference in your new column as a sign of respect, evenflattery. Unfortunately rookie mistakes shine bright when comparedto standards of the past. So get out your pen and notepad littleone, class is in session. Speaking of which, all cute single ladiesstay after, you all have detention.

Rule No. 1 — When writing a column always make sureto check spelling of first and LAST names (when in doubt just blamemistakes on the editors).

I would like to think that after all I had given to the DC overthe past four years, the least I could do was hope to see my lastname spelled correctly in an article.

Spelling is so important, a few simple letters can changeeverything. Imagine the horror if the C and the L in pencilmagically disappeared and where replaced at the end by an S. Whatif the M, N, K, E, and Y in monkey where left out somehow andcovered with a P followed by a second O and then another P.

See how drastic the outcome could be. Luckily for you it wasonly an A in the place of an E, I’m willing to let it slide.Just understand the next time it happens I have a blender with yourman parts name on it.

Rule No. 2 — The SMU student body and common sensedon’t always get along. While many Mustangs may be attractiveto the eye, numerous Ponies fall short in other mental capacitydepartments. I say this in a vague comparison, I’m sure sevenor eight people laughed at Rule #1. Unfortunately, the tricky wordusage in Rule #1 may take some students a while to grasp. Forothers the joke went straight over their head and off into spacelost forever. So refrain from making any other self-concludingremarks for at least another seven to ten lines (it gives them timeto process the information).

Rule No. 3 — PC is for politicians. If you’rea politician then please follow the silly guidelines of society, ifnot then please speak your mind. Except for a few certainoccasions.

Females are not “chicks” (I know what you’rethinking, what if they are smokin hot?) sorry man, don’t doit. There are Femi-Nazis all over campus that will eat you up.

Don’t sell cookies, I don’t care if you were a girlscout in high school, just don’t do it. Never bash Ponyathletics. This includes speaking of the men’s track programin a hurtful manner (RIP).

Avoid stereotypes. A difficult task at Southern MaterialisticUniversity, but the best journalist can tell every side of thestory. Nobody likes a person that continuously pokes fun at theobvious. Everybody knows Ryan Trimble is a bed wetter, no need tocontinuously bring it to light.

Rule No. 4 — Find your own material. I don’tknow if you ever read my column. If you didn’t you shouldhave at least received the legal document from my lawyer declaringthat speaking of Delaware, rashes or hamsters are all off limits. Ithink I mentioned a hamster in just about every article I everwrote. Even the ones when I covered the men’s soccer games(if you have seen Coach Hyndman in a poorly lit room you wouldunderstand the possibilities). I would consider accusing you ofthat word that means you stole my stuff and made it your own. Iknow it starts with Play and ends in Agerism, yet I can’tfigure out how it is spelled. I’m afraid the editorswon’t proof-read my column before print and a typo would lookstupid in an article about avoiding mistakes.

Rule No. 5 — Make ‘em laugh big fella. Youseem leaps and bounds above me in knowledge and wit. But can youtell a joke, drop a punch-line or pull off a completely absurdmetaphor?

Create your own style and use the gifts you have to bring thecolumn to life. Tell the people what you had for lunch, what youdid last night or what you think of Ron Jeremy’s latestwork.

The audience will be there, you just have to keep theirattention. That is why little details are so important. If thereaders don’t see you as credible you might as well beflipping burgers at Balls.

A smile is the key, if people drop the paper smiling after yourwork, then they will want to pick it up next week. Keeping peoplehappy is half the battle. The other half is trying to walk acrosscampus in less than an hour using the sidewalks

Lastly Mr. Mayo, I would like to thank you.

For a brief moment I have recalled my glorious days on theHilltop. Then I remembered my diploma earned me a quarter raise ata minimum wage job at a sandwich shop. Redunkulous!

But as I sit at the computer and ramble off late into the night,you have actually taught me a valuable lesson. Sometimes a personfinds comfort and relaxation doing something unexpected. I enjoyedreading your work and I wish you the best in the months to come.Write from the heart, it is the only way to give life to yourcolumn.

Guy Bellaver is an SMU graduate (‘04) currently livingin Dallas and can be reached for questions, comments or concerns [email protected].