Holy (expletive) – it’s orange
The nice people at the FBI Counter-Terrorism Division have a fancy, color-coded system for informing us little people on the likelihood that we will be imbibing smallpox-laced drinking water, or something equally terrible, because of terrorist attacks. The system is as wise and thought out as a cross country drive with Dr. Phil, but hey, it’s what we got.
The FBI fellows raised the national threat level to “orange” last week. Holy-[expletive], I thought, worried that the ozone level was depleting (joke credit to commentary editor J. Dewbre). Actually, an orange level indicates a “high risk of terrorist attack.”
Holy expletive is right.
(Because every talk show in our country has attacked our dopey system, I shall refrain from making a few bad jokes about it, though old material has never stopped me before. Several members of my doting public informed me that making fun of Michael Jackson was not original. Hey, we all have our slow weeks.)
Last Friday, Attorney General John “No funny business” Ashcroft said, and I quote verbatim, “Recent intelligence reports suggest that al Qaeda leaders have emphasized planning for attacks on apartment buildings, hotels and other soft or lightly secured targets in the United States.”
Now I realized that my brain, seeing as how I will soon graduate from our fine university with a degree in English, searches for little quirks of language, but I have a quick question about the wording on one small part.
When John says, “apartment buildings, hotels, and other soft or lightly secured targets,” doesn’t he sort of mean “heck, almost anywhere?”
Logic dictates that now is the time for the intelligent American to go and dig a fancy, climate-controlled shelter in Montana and hang out for a few decades. Considering the awe-inspiring capabilities of Nintendo’s “Game Cube,” I wouldn’t be too bothered by it. In fact, if I could buy enough of Central Market’s fine produce and deli meats, it might be fun.
But our government always follows up its statements of impending doom by saying something like, “But don’t worry, America. Just stick with your day to day activities.”
I must admit, our boys and girls in Washington are in a bind with this one. They feel that they have a responsibility to keep us informed about things, yet they can’t say outright the specifics of their “recent intelligence.”
Metaphors and similes are often a good way of explaining things. The American people are just like an eight-year-old kid. The government is like the kid’s mom. The mom, like all mortal beings, will one day die, so she tells her child that one day, she will perish. Said child is sad. However, there is nothing our kiddy can do.
The point? Um, I don’t know, but I don’t want my mommy to die.
Like many of my columns, this piece has a “yeah, so what?” feel to it. It would be in good taste for me to suggest a possible remedy for our situation.
Um… Don’t frequent apartment buildings, hotels or other soft or lightly secured targets in the United States.
See you all next week, kiddies, when I might have something relevant and clever to say. At least I hope so.
