As I was finishing my dinner of a grilled cheese, French fries with cheese and a slice of apple pie with cheese (I enjoy cheese) at Umphrey Lee, I walked outside to feel the bitter cold hit my face. It was a pleasant surprise, however, because the cafeteria had started to become stuffy and warm. I was well equipped to handle the weather with my Sublime hoodie and gym shorts.

I retreated back to Peyton Hall at a slower-than-usual pace. The weather was so perfect and so beautiful that I tried to take it all in. The sun was setting just behind the 7-Eleven. Life was perfect.

Suddenly, I heard something coming up behind me. You know exactly what I’m talking about. The sound of a swish. So I moved to the left so that a bicycle could pass me (STAY ON THE STREET!) when suddenly, I realized the noise had subsided.

Confused, I turned around only to find a gigantic soft arrow from a NERF gun in my eyeball, followed by the shouting of someone yelling, “You’re dead! We got you! Yes!”

What was going on here? I was just enjoying my granny smith apple like every other night, when suddenly I had been assaulted by someone with a NERF gun. Is that how you write it? All caps?

“Why did you do that?” I asked the assailant.

A look of confusion and horror came across his face.

“You aren’t Jason!” he said, frowning almost.

Me: “No, I’m blind.”

Assailant: “What?”

Me: “Nothing, it was a joke.”

Assailant: “I don’t get it!”

Me: “I know you don’t. Why would you shoot people in the eye with foam darts?”

I then learned of something called VS Mafia, with the VS standing for Virginia-Snyder. Apparently, members of the honors community run around with NERF guns, shooting other members of the honors community who also have NERF guns. Wow.

Whatever, I don’t have a problem with it, but I do have a problem when the next day I was trying to learn something in my math class, when someone stands up and yelled, “You are dead, Thomas!”

Yeah, Thomas died while trying to learn the binomial formula.

And Charlton? You heard about Charlton, right? Charlton died while eating a chocolate chip cookie.

My number one problem is seeing people running around with a yellow little gun screaming with delight. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not like Ebenezer Scrooge or anything, I just can’t stand people running around screaming and laughing. Some might see me as this cynical, unhappy, emotionless, evil and 60-year-old man screaming at kids to get off my perfect lawn. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Those of you who have never seen me in person will be happy to finally get a description of my physical body. I am 6’5″, about 210 lbs. and mostly muscle; I enjoy long walks on the beach, writing poetry and being happy.

A common misconception is that I hate people. Not true! I love all sorts of people! Just not the ones who scream and run around the parking lots yelling things like, “Derrick’s dead!!!” Come on boys and girls, why not just listen to Girl Talk and be friends? Do we really need to use NERF guns?

This NERF thing is stupid and needs to stop as soon as possible before more people get their eyes shot out. Like me.

Now, I need to go clean my eye patch before I go to bed.

John Paul Green is a freshman theater major. He can be reached for comment [email protected].