In an apocalyptic Earth, the ground will rip apart and unleash a slew of demons, the sky will turn pitch black, shatter and fall, but most frightening of all: the world would exist without yoga pants.
Montana lawmaker David Moore envisioned this hell on earth when he proposed a bill that would tighten indecent exposure laws to include bans on both male and female nipple exposure and clothing that draw attention to the buttocks, genitals and pelvic areas.
Some readers may not understand the dilemma Montana has to deal with. The state has had enough of male nipples corrupting the minds of youth. And it is for this reason that Mr. Moore proposed House Bill 365 to save humanity from this abomination of the male human body part.
On Jezebel.com, Kate Dies mocked, “There’s a man in Montana imbued with more power than he should have who doesn’t like yoga pants.”
And according to the AP, “tight-fitting beige clothing could be considered indecent exposure,” including speedos and yoga pants, said Moore. “Yoga pants should be illegal in public anyway.”
Yo-, yoga pants shou-, yoga pants should be illegal? Did he really say that? Are you Satan? Now, I don’t personally wear yoga pants but I believe that a women has the right to wear whatever wants. So if she wants to wear yoga pants, then by God we as a society should let her wear those yoga pants. I think men will be able to bear this “indecency” that Moore so proclaims.
Saying that you want to outlaw yoga pants is like saying you want to outlaw rainbows and happiness. I’m not a religious man, but for me yoga pants represent a shining beacon of faith and belief pointing the way towards a greater power.
This hell-bent bill arose after the Bare as you Dare bicycle event rode through Missoula and angered many Montanans. Moore stated that he imagined Montana to be a decent state without indecent practices. Well, what kind of state would Montana, or any state, be if not for yoga pants? The state should incarcerate this man and force him to wear Lululemons throughout his sentence.
Now, what exactly are the consequences of poisoning Montana’s youth with yoga pants? A first-time offense results in a $500 fine and 6 months in jail. A second-time offense will cost you $1,000 and 12 months of jail time. A third-time offense, under the current Montana law, results in a $10,000 fine and life in jail.
That’s right, men going shirtless and women walking around in yoga pants or leggings could be sent to life in jail if Moore achieved his dystopia.
Fortunately, members of the Montana House Judiciary Committee unanimously voted against the bill. A majority of the committee found it humorous and immediately shot it down. In an effort to play down the humiliation, Moore hastily recalled his stance of the bill and insists to the committee, his peers, and the pubic that he was simply joking.
“Ha- ha-, gotcha! Ya’ll didn’t think I was serious, right?” a summary of what I imagine Moore had to say about his failed bill. I mean, he only called on retired professor Walt Hill to help draft the bill and took the time to send it to committee where they killed the bill and basically just wasted everybody’s time. But apparently it was all for s**** and giggles.
Moore, what kind of jokes are you trying to tell? Is it a knock-knock joke or one where you turn to your friend and say, “Tonight, you want to s*** on the doorsteps of the State Government Office? Dude, I’m totally kidding! I mean, unless you want to. Kidding again! I can’t believe you fell for that, I got you good!”
Please, no Moore jokes. You’re not fooling anyone.
Perhaps Moore would’ve had more luck if he included a ban on sandals with socks, cargo shorts, or camouflage clothing. Unfortunately, those “fashion” trends persist and continue to blind the public.
Now that the committee squashed the ban, society can continue with the ethereal apparel of yoga pants. Apocalyptic Earth: evaded.
