Four Valentine’s Day gifts to avoid at all costs

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Valentine’s Day arrives in less than 24 hours, and thus arises people with the last-minute gift-giving jitters. The week is filled with dashes in and out of stores searching for that perfect gift, and just when you think you finally found it, that little devil inside your head makes you second-guess yourself.

It’s a common phenomenon really, but I’m here to calm your anxieties. This article will present the four gifts to not give on Valentine’s Day.

So if you bought one of these gifts, first, what were you thinking? Second, toss it immediately, bolt to the mall, and buy a new one. And now, coming from every shattered heart’s disappointing Valentine’s Day gift experience, I present the absolute worsts.

1. Gift cards

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Sorry I’m not sorry, but gift cards? Seriously? The only reason you would give someone a gift card for Valentine’s Day is if your valentine is your mom or your grandma.

What went through your mind when you thought a gift card would be a great idea? “Oh, well she likes music so I’ll get her an iTunes card.” Let me start off with a hell no and finish with two suggestions: Youtube to mp3 converter and uTorrent. Granted, these websites may be amoral practices, but not as amoral as your gift card idea.

You might as well confront her and confess, “Sorry (insert lame nickname that makes everybody around you two puke), I didn’t know what to get you so here’s money.” Complete polar opposite of romantic and sentimental, you unimaginative idiot.

2. Sex coupons

Okay, now you’ve reached a new low. Sex coupons drag you down to a whole new level of douchebaggery that speaks volumes about your dark and filthy soul. And in the words of the great Raven Symone: “Ya nasty.”

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I hate judging relationships based on what I see or hear but I’m going to.

Unless your friend-with-benefits is your valentine, please for the love of God, reconsider this vulgar gift. No one holds a decent reason or argument as to why a sex coupon would make a good Valentine’s Day present. If you’re in a committed relationship in which sex forms the foundation, rethink your love life.

For those who still believe your date will love sex coupons, I’m now officially incapable of saving you from the hell your valentine will unleash. Unless you plan on spending the night home alone, get off your a** and get to the store. And if you have money or dignity left over, well in the words of Gangster Johnny: “Keep the change, ya filthy animal.”

3. Gifts that hold subliminal messages

Well, well, you must think you’re so clever.

Your date’s mustache tickles you when ya’ll kiss so you bought him or her (yes, her) a razor. You noticed your date’s been packing, or still has, that freshman 15 so you bought him or her a gym membership.

Let me stop you there to tell you to stop with the subliminal messages. TALK to your date about any problems, comments, or concerns you have. And for those with inquisitive and lingering minds, buying your valentine a Fifty Shades of Grey Toy set leads to awkward bedtime talk. Don’t ask me, simply understand.

4. Nothing

You f****** walnut. Are you nuts or simply as hollow and dull as one? For Valentine’s Day, you failed to produce a gift? You must have a death wish.

Without a doubt, getting her nothing tops the worst gifts ever not given on Valentine’s Day. At this point, sex coupons would be a good idea. And please don’t try to hide your incompetence by giving her your presence or kisses or a hug, its pitiful.

If on Valentine’s Day you present your date with empty hands, it better be because FedEx took longer than expected to deliver the gift. I feel so bad for your partner. Use that excuse and get him or her something, anything later.

Yeah, yeah, “we don’t feel the need to give each other presents on Valentine’s Day because we know we love each other,” as some self-proclaimed hopeless romantics might share. Know that in the end, love fades but material things are forever.

And there you have it, the four absolute worst gifts to avoid this Valentine’s Day, which is tomorrow. Use this newfound wisdom however you wish, but I beg you to take it into strong consideration.

At this point, you may think, “What does this guy know? He’s probably single.” To answer this: yes, I’m single and yes, I can already smell the flowers I’m not getting this Valentine’s Day. But this is the first year I don’t have a valentine. I may be single, but that doesn’t affect this list of horrible gift ideas. And while I usually love Valentine’s Day, because I’m single this year I’m automatically inclined to resent the holiday.

One last note: don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Whatever gift you find for your valentine, he or she will love it as long as it came with good intentions. Always remember that love conquers all, even horrible gifts.

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