Satire: A modest proposition for fetus protection in America

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Remember the good ole days when men were manly and women were silent? When only men were employed as CEOs, doctors and salesmen? When their wives were homemakers and their sisters were secretaries? When the prime objective of a woman’s life was pleasing her husband and producing his children in multitude?

Oh, how things have gone to the dogs in America!

Life was much simpler before the second sex started spouting nonsense like “Women’s rights are human’s rights” and “A woman’s place is in the House and the Senate.” Then, as if those feminist-focused 1970s weren’t bad enough with the marches and bra-burnings, Roe v. Wade (1973) legalized abortion for at least the first several weeks of a pregnancy!

Abortion is always murder. Every time. Just because it isn’t breathing and has only a few organs or bones doesn’t mean it isn’t alive. A human fetus is the equivalent of a plant seedling. It may not have emerged from the soil yet, but if it has any growth at all from its seed, then it must be viable!

By this irrefutable logic, the only philosophy a moral person can stand behind is pro-life. It is a constant battle against the immoral pro-choice heathens of America to push for this standard.

The loudest pro-choice troublemakers seem to be the mothers. Oklahoma legislator Rep. Justin Humphrey truly put it best when he said women are nothing more than a “host” for their fetus. Yet, the mothers consider their bodies connected to the cells in their uterus. Why? Because they are feeding and sustaining the growth of tissue in the fetus? Because their genes directly affect those tissues? That’s surely not enough to claim a deeper connection than host and dependent. If we can stop these host-bodies, commonly called “mothers,” from citing their claim to control the fate of the fetus, there would no longer be an abortion debate.

Imagine a world without such a debate: no more crosses would yearly cover Dallas Hall Lawn to denote the 2500 daily abortions in the U.S.; feminists would lose traction upon accepting their true purpose is to produce children, whether by the choice of their loved one or of their rapist. Even the number of mothers who might ask for future abortions would diminish, as hundreds would die yearly as a result of the pregnancies they carried to term.

Until we as a country finally reach a point where women only use their voices to educate the children they rear at home, the only clear solution is to take away the voices of pregnant hosts. To clip vocal chords would be too permanent, but medicine has thankfully evolved to catch up to these deplorable, so-called activists. The common practice of wiring a jaw shut to allow the healing of a broken mandible can be repurposed for the protection of an unborn fetus.

This solves a number of potentially harmful threats to the fetus. Without the ability to open her mouth, the host cannot protest for its removal, nor can she drink alcohol or inhale carcinogens through a smoking apparatus. The host can easily care for the nutritional needs of the fetus growing in her womb with the aid of intravenous solutions.

It is our responsibility as a world power to set the example. We must care for the unborn, first and foremost, the potential future of our nation. Those who survive the birth and without unpreventable defects will thank us. Eventually, future mothers will do the same. We can make those good ole days come again.

*A satirical piece on the absurdity of anyone but a pregnant woman controlling her own uterus

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