Satire: Bartos for Student Senate President
In these difficult times, on a construction-riddled campus, someone is needed to take charge of the Student Senate. I am that person. I will make SMU great again.
Because let’s be honest, things could be better. Students are having to add 10, maybe even 15 minutes extra onto their day to walk around extra-inconvenient construction. And while we may have gold domes on some of our buildings, I still haven’t seen any golden bricks or gold-plated buildings. We deserve gold-plated everything.
So, I promise to “deport” all campus construction for good. Because let us be honest, nothing good has ever come from construction on campus. Ironically, I will build a wall to keep all campus construction away and the good students’ jobs and commutes safe. And even better yet, I’m going to make TCU pay for it!
Oh and do you not think that you are paying far too much for tuition? Good news, I am going to make SMU free for everyone. I mean, if Sanders & Co. think it’s possible for the entire nation, how easy it would be just to make SMU free for everyone.
How will I fund this you ask? Well, I’m going to do it by taking funds straight from the defense industry – the lawn and fountain defense industry that is. I mean I have seen so many statistics on how enough money is spent in one day fighting the war on weeds to give students free tuition for an entire year. So while our campus will grow into a tangled, overgrown mess when I cease to maintain all fountains and lawns on campus, at least the money we save will make SMU free for everyone.
Now maybe you think all of these are just empty campaign promises. But they are not, I can assure you. Why? Because Student Senate always delivers what it promises. Oh, and because I have a great catchphrase; who would not want to make SMU great again?
And that is essentially how I am going to make SMU great again, plus some other unintelligible campaign points. Sure you can protest the rallies that will doubtlessly happen in my support. But my supporters will probably just punch you in the face… but no, I am not supporting any kind of violence over a Student Senate campaign. Because let’s be honest –- it is just not worth it.
So vote Bartos for Student Body president. Because a vote for Bartos is a vote for anarchy… wait no I mean progress.