This past weekend, the box office opened with “Fifty Shades of Grey” resulting in a legion of female fans storming the theaters. The movie grossed $81.7 million over President’s Day weekend and I’m absolutely grossed out. Why would this many people watch poorly made softcore porn?
Without a doubt, a handful of guys will resentfully sit through the two hour movie for the slim chance that the night will lead to erotic, kinky sex of their own afterwards.
My friend Angie invited me to the midnight premiere of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” So I got stuck debating between enduring the BDSM flick and finishing my homework. I decided that instead of begrudgingly sitting through the movie, I’d rather spend my time doing anything else.
So Angie, here’s my list of things I’d rather do than watch “Fifty Shades of Grey:”
1. Literally looking at 50 shades of grey
Shopping for paint or watching paint dry, both probably more entertaining than watching “Fifty Shades of Grey.”
2. Talking about emotions
Granted, some guys more ably express their emotions to their friends or partners. And if you’re one of them, you’re a better person than I’ll ever be.
It becomes awkward confessing how you truly feel about someone even if you’ve known or have been dating that someone for a while. Most guys skip the monthly Skype call or Facebook conversation to catch up with friends from high school that most girls look forward to. Ladies, good luck trying to coerce a guy to confess how he truly feels about you.
But between watching “Fifty Shades of Grey” and spitting out my feelings, I’d swallow my pride and submit to sharing my emotions.
3. Working out on leg day
If you work out at Dedman, you’ll rarely witness the same guy frequent the squat machines.
Chicken legs represent a sweeping epidemic here at Southern Methodist University. But given the option of watching “Fifty Shades of Grey” or actually committing to leg day, there’s no contest.
4. Actually trying bondage
There’s a lot things guys won’t try, but to be free from the chains of watching “Fifty Shades of Grey,” anything remains open.
Painful or embarrassing BDSM would be less tortuous than the cringe worthiness of Mr. Grey’s attempt at softcore porn. Also, trying to play with sex toys or submitting to bondage may lead to actual sex, so that’s always a plus.
5. Attending an SMU football game
If I wanted to see someone rammed and abused, I’d watch our football team play a game. Let’s weigh the options: watching Mr. Grey awkwardly dominate Anastasia or watching other football teams dominate SMU’s. ‘Nuff said.
6. Listening to her problems
Blah, blah, Carol being, blah, such a horrible friend, blah. Guys reach a point in their relationship when they naturally tune out the drama and rants of their girlfriends. I can say that I don’t intend to sound callous, but that won’t stop you from thinking so.
If I was handcuffed and trapped in a room for two hours and had to choose between pretending to watch “Fifty Shades of Grey” or pretending to care about my girlfriend’s problems, I’ll take the latter.
7. Pretending to enjoy any other romantic movie
I apply “romantic movie” loosely because “Fifty Shades of Grey” whipped up a debate about whether Mr. Grey acts abusively or is simply kinky.
As far as chick flicks go, lasting through the “The Notebook” or “13 Going on 30” would be much easier than making it to the end of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Ladies, if you’ve begged and pleaded your man to watch these classic eye-watering romance movies to no avail, exploit this chance to finally get him to commit to one.
I’ve heard people call the movie everything from “Fifty Shades of Dull” to “Fifty Shades of Ayeee.” Whether you think it’s underrated or overrated, if you drag your man to watch this movie, he will most likely experience a pang of misery. Save him from the grief, please.
With the movie grossing beyond the expectations of $60 million, maybe I’m missing out and need to give it a chance.
But probably not. Sorry Angie.